The purpose of Nicolai is to provide and foster a community of gay men who share common values, based upon the agreement that there are principles set in place that offer us a more rewarding, meaningful life.
"Those who stand for nothing fall for anything."
Although Nicolai promotes attributes often found in various Christian denominations as well as other religions, it should be noted that Nicolai has no religious affiliation of any kind. Participants can, and hopefully will, be of many different faiths or none at all. Our sole intent is to build a strong, value-based gay community, regardless of religious belief or affiliation.
We come together and are united by three simple values. We agree that these values, or what we like to call "foundations", are built on a universal law that when followed leads us toward happiness and fulfillment. We believe these foundations are backed by psychology and have stood the test of time.
The three foundations we agree on are as follows:
Although there are many lessons to be learned from psychology, this group’s emphasis is to gather and exercise these basic principles. And at the core is the golden rule. We desire to treat others in the way we would want to be treated.
We believe that it is in our best interest to apply honesty in all contexts of our lives including work, home, family, dating, conversations, etc. We strive to let our "yes" be yes and our “no" be no. Author Diane Mottl says it best, "Being authentic means coming from a real place within. It is when our actions and words are congruent with our beliefs and values. It is being ourselves, not an imitation of what we think we should be or have been told we should be.” Having our values and actions in alignment is so vital to our happiness, and only really comes with real internal and external honesty. This type of honesty requires incredible vulnerability which often entails discomfort, admitting we are wrong, and listening to feedback and advice. It’s a lifelong journey of growth that requires continual practice.
"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."
As gay men living in a primarily straight world, one of our biggest challenges in being authentic comes during the coming out process. For some of us this is a quick conversation with the ones we love, but for most of us it’s gradual and often scary endeavor. But the joy and maturity gained in admitting our same sex attractions to those close to us is worth the pain and efforts surrounding this. This is us being honest about who we are to those that matter. It is a major step in letting go of any shame we might have surrounding our sexuality. And it is crucial in becoming more relational with ourselves and those we love.
"Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard…mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives."
We have found that true relationships, of all types, can only deepen through taking steps of authenticity. This is because we cannot truly be relational with another human being without vulnerable honesty. This being said, we must recognize the difference between authenticity and transparency. Without the use of proper boundaries, we understand that total transparency could be damaging to others lives. We must apply wisdom in our honesty to know when to keep our thoughts and words to ourselves, and when it's appropriate to reveal. Every situation is different, but we strive for our actions to be interpreted with integrity, and therefore at the core be honest.
"Part of finding our authentic self is unhooking ourselves from the past, turning off the tape recorder, and being grounded in the present. For it is when we are grounded that we can be open, curious and accepting of ourselves and others."
We have come to understand that good boundaries are essntial to all healthy relationships. Boundaries are often mistaken for walls when carried out improperly. However healthy boundaries brings people together appropiately and fosters support and community. For some of us these boundaries were taught to us through examples of good parenting and guidance in our lives. But for some of us it didn’t come so easily and had to be taught. Ultimately, successful relationships must be built utilizing healthy boundaries. These boundaries vary from person to person, but there are general core behaviors that applies to all areas of our lives: work, family, partnerships and friendships.
We understand that boundaries consist of both protection and containment. The protection boundary is defined as behaviors, words, and actions that limit and define how others treat us. These are learned techniques that protect our well being, sanity, body, emotions, family, household, property, etc. Without the proper use of good protective boundaries we allow others to run us over, bull-doze over us, take advantage of us, use us, con us, abuse us, touch us inappropriately, manipulate us, etc. As gay men, we often are motivated not to “stir the pot” or cause friction with those we interact with. But unfortunately, in our motivation to keep peace we quite often are taken advantage of. Nicolai hopes to re-emphasise the necessity of using good protective boundaries, even at the risk of not being liked or popular.
Probably the more overlooked boundary is the containment boundary. Containment is the tool or method used to protect others from ourselves. It can be visualized like an invisible bubble around ourselves. It’s the filter on our tongue, the “hands to yourself” rule, or the “simmadownnow" method. Containment involves learning to choose your words and tone before speaking, bridling your urge to rant in the YouTube comment section, resisting gossip, not overly revealing too much personal information to those who may have just met you, not spilling out every thought going through your mind, refraining from inappropriate flirtatious opportunities, not groping when it’s uninvited, etc. Often times containment is the most difficult boundary because it requires considering others more than your own desires. But containment is the unspoken secret behind becoming a more attractive and appealing person to others. Having a sense of good containment enlists the trust of others, and demonstrates a strong respect for yourself and those around you.
Lastly, we should note that there are all kinds of boundaries (protection and containment) that we must exercise.
Remember, our primary purpose in Nicolai is to build relationships and community. When exercised, boundaries assist us in the process of being relational. It helps define how we talk, interact, joke, work together, and share with one another. If the boundaries between us are too strong and rigid they’ll become walls or fences that don’t allow for much relational interaction. But on the other hand, if no boundaries are in place we have the potential to offend one another with our humor, scare people away with revealing too much, bulldoze conversations, annoy people with constant sexual innuendos, fail to hear or understand each other, etc. And therefore inadvertently creating an environment that detracts from community and organic conversations. But as we grow to connect by utilizing healthy boundaries, we stand to build community of deeper connection and respect.
We agree that committed partnerships are to be revered. We honor the intention of two people coming together in a loving union. Committed partnerships are to be encouraged. Through conversation, friendship, and counsel we want to empower and support couples in relationships to stay in relationships. We encourage love to build and thrive between partners. We believe in the powerful support couples require that comes through friendship and we want to foster an environment that allows couples to be encouraged to stay together and work things out through difficult times. We condone the relationship between two people who love each other, and strive toward a non-toxic union. It sounds a little clinical to say it that way, but it's true. Good relationships can cause people's personal lives to flourish and grow. Using an old adage, within healthy relationships the strength is greater than the sum of it's parts.
Because we agree that committed partnerships are to be protected. We choose not to flirt with people in relationships (straight or gay) out of respect for their commitment. We choose to perpetuate a safe environment for couples to gather without the fear of sexual advances.
We also want to encourage healthy deep connections between singles also. We want to provide a community to attract like minded men who share similar values for the purpose of deep friendship and potential partnerships. We also want to offer direction and education on healthy ways of dating and courtship. All that being said, matchmaking is not the core purpose of Nicolai, but rather community.
Many of the principles we build upon are a direct result of the frustrations we see within the gay community. This group’s ideology is to encourage each member to close the gap on personal and social immaturity, obliviousness, dishonesty, and recklessness so often perpetuated in the gay community. And so we springboard off of these common frustrations.
The gay community is too often seen as ...
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