TO MY FRIENDS

Prologue

In 2012, at the dawn of December 21st, I was finishing up the first draft of this letter. And a funny thing happened. I suddenly realized the world was supposed to end that day, according to the Mayan calendar. Of course, we heard lots of stories about the crazies all over the world who were banking on it. But as you might know, it came and went just like any other day. And unless we are living in a LOST episode, the world did not end that day.

But there was another interpretation to the ending of the Mayan calendar. Perhaps it represented the end of one era and the beginning of another. Not that I place a ton of stock in such things, but honestly, I think that's a pretty cool interpretation. It definitely falls in line with my dream of what Nicolai could be. I love the idea of this community being the beginning of something wonderful and a chance to start fresh for a lot of my gay brothers and sisters. Don't you think it's time men and women with same sex attractions were given hope for a better more prosperous, happy and healthy life? It's time.

Introduction

My friends, I want to tell you about a community. It’s called Nicolai. In short, it's a community for gay men and women that seek a life directed by truth, respect, and common sense.

But before I say explain much more, I would ask you to read this with an open heart and mind. This might be a little dry to read, but hear me out because this is something you’ll really benefit from, and possibly the answer to something you’ve been looking for. No, this not a multi-level marketing scheme. Don’t worry, this has nothing to do with money either. I want to unfold an idea that involves a solution to one of the greatest needs I see around us. I am going to try to illustrate what has driven the need for such an organization as well as its potential impact it will play on our lives individually and as a community.

“Ok, but..  what the hell is Nicolai?!”, you may be asking. And I’d say, “Turn off your cell phone for half a second, and I’ll explain it to you!”. (-: Because to really help you understand the vision of what Nicolai is .... I must first take you back about 6 or 7 years ago.

Quick History

I was a late bloomer. I didn’t really come “out” until I was in my mid-20’s, and even so it was a long, arduous process. I had a lot of difficulty primarily because accepting my sexuality violated the teachings of the faith and church that I grew up in. I also was raised in Dallas, Texas, and so for the most part being gay was extremely unaccepted. It was taboo and off-putting to most of my family and friends. Naturally, I feared revealing that "side" to anyone close to me. I suppressed my same-sex attractions the best I could. But after I become sexually involved with someone in college I finally knew I had to do something. I turned to some of my close Christian friends for help and was quickly ushered toward a “reparative therapy” group. Long story short, it didn’t work. (said Captain Obvious). So I spent about 5 years after I left the group studying the Bible and what I thought God might say on the subject. It was extremely scary at the time, as I begin letting go some of many ideas I had been so entrenched in, and reconciling my faith with my sexuality. But I was blessed to have some help navigating through all the roadblocks, and in the end I grew into a man who’s very comfortable with his same-sex attractions, and still has faith in God.

Some of you have had similar experiences to this. Some of you might have been brought up to be atheist. This letter is not intended to be a sermon or a proselytization of christian beliefs by any means. But I tell you all this because I want you to understand with how much difficulty I had coming to terms with my sexuality. I want you to understand how challenging it has been for me to accept my orientation when countering the direction from my church, family, community, and culture I grew up in. Because how I came to where I am in my beliefs, and how I’ve navigated through these challenges have armed me with some understandings that are the foundation to what Nicolai is all about.

I’m talking about logic.
I’m talking about common sense.
I’m talking about wisdom and understanding.
I’m talking about basic psychology.

These tools have been instrumental for me in finding peace and fulfillment in my life. These tools have helped me in my work, my family, with my relationship to my partner. In some ways I feel closer to God now. I care more about what I say and do now. I take care of myself better. And maybe best of all these simple tools have given me a renewed love and understanding for other people.

Holy Crap, What HAVE I DONE?!

As I began growing in these areas I began to involve myself more heavily in the gay community, probably because it seemed to be more accepting than the church and religious community I’d been a part of. I started attending socials, parties, gatherings, gay rodeos, bars, etc. This was slow at first, kind of like dipping my toe in the water to test the temperature.

And here’s where it got weird. I started encountering a crazy amount of “odd” behavior. For instance I was astounded by how much sex was pushed into every conversation and location I went. Sexual talk and innuendos were so tolerated that most of the gay men I met were barely phased by it. Every fetish was on display and glorified. Conversation that normally would go on in the bedroom was done in bar stools and standing around a buffet table. But of course it didn’t stop there. I soon learned that grabbing another man’s crotch and ass as he walks by was seen as normal and accepted by most men. Having your body plastered erect and naked on a dating websites was as common as going to yoga. Having sex with “straight” married men was seen as a badge of honor. Relationships were disposable and built on convenience and sex. Little reverence was given to long term relationships. Open or polyamorous relationships were treated as inevitable. And on and on it went.

And so I began to learn a new lesson. In my observations over the years I have come to the conclusion that the gay community’s major problem basically stems from this: After coming out of the closet we either throw away our value systems to adapt to the rest of the community and find acceptance and love, or we try our best to retain the values we’ve been taught while we live in constant conflict attempting to connect to the boundaryless activities and conversation of what the gay community has to offer. It seems many of us associate good morals, values and boundaries with our past and/or the homosexual discrimination, religious persecution and doctinization we grew up under. We often end up “throwing the baby out with the bathwater” during the process of accepting our sexuality, and deny any wisdom or values we once might have had that could now be essential for living healthy prosperous lives. Consequently, our values begin to be replaced by the very trite influences and misdirection provided by much of the gay community. The options in front of us seem bleak. We either accept the anti-value culture permeating gay society and embrace the “anything goes” concept, or we live in a certain amount of isolation struggling to uphold our own values.

I don’t know how many times I would “stick my toe” into the waters of the gay community, only to yank it out again and think, “surely there’s something better in the world than this”. Time and time I entertained the idea of returning to living a life of suppressing my sexuality, or just living my life as a gay man in secret, so as to not be associated with much of the shameless behavior I found. One of my gay friends who was previously married described it like this: "after getting divorced and starting to emerge as an openly gay man, I started seeing what the gay world had to offer and found myself wanting to run back to my ex-wife and beg to get re-married. I was just so embarrassed by what I saw the gay world offered me as a new life."

But I wanted to belong. I was tired of being lonely. Little by little I found myself stepping further into gay community. I’m sure in many ways I started adapting a little bit of nonsense I’d seen, just to be a part of something again. I hated being ostracized from my family and church. And I wanted to be accepted again. It hurt like hell to rejected, but I knew I could never go back into the closet. Living “two lives” had run its course, and it was too exhausting keeping up the charade.

In a lot of ways I felt like I was caught between two worlds. In a lot of ways I guess I felt like the conservative, at least to many of my gay friends. But I also knew I was gay, and didn’t feel that I should be ashamed of that anymore. I wanted equal rights, with the right to fall in love with whomever I wanted, just like what the gay community was pushing for. But I also didn’t want to be part of something I was personally ashamed of. I didn’t want to belong to a community of people who had no bridal on their tongue. Surely there had to be a solution or answer for men like me. But where would I find people with shared values, and who were also completely ok with same-sex couples?

Not Alone

One of the best discoveries I have made along the way is that the gay community is not entirely full of nut jobs and crazies. In fact, there are many men and women who share a lot of the same values and principles in their lives and have reconciled their sexuality also. Unfortunately, these people are typically difficult to find. I call these people outliers. They usually aren’t going to be seen much at the bars or on gay profile websites, they’re probably not going to be found at gay nude pool parties, and they aren’t usually the front covers of magazines doing porn either. They are typically hard working, good, honest people, doing their best to provide for themselves and the ones they love. And hoping to find someone else that’s gay or gay-affirming that shares the same wavelength. Outliersare dying for some community and companionship. To this end they sometimes find themselves turning to seedy places and then feeling ashamed of themselves, all in the hopes of some love and support in their lives. The concept of “community” is so hard to find for outliers, because so much of what’s available to them in the gay community feels gross, shameful, distasteful, boundaryless, or just plain embarrassing. I realized I was one of these outliers.

The revelation that I wasn’t alone was incredibly exciting to me. I suddenly had new hope that all gay men didn’t want to live shamelessly. Some people actually cared about their reputation, their honor, and character. And so I began making friends. Friends that didn’t live shamelessly. Friends that I could trust not to be embarrassing and out of control. And they came from all types of ages, races, backgrounds and religious affiliations. We weren’t all the same, but we shared something in common. What was it? Was it monogamy? Was it a belief in a higher power? No, not always. Perhaps it was a couple of different values we had in common. But what would they be? It certainly was unspoken whatever it was. It wasn’t like we interviewed each other before deciding to be friends.

I knew I could only speak from my experience. My journey as a gay man had often times required looking outside of the gay community for support and direction in my life. So much of the wisdom I have found has been through introspection, talking with counselors, reading books, talking with wise counsel, confiding in friends, prayer and connection to my higher power, and listening to just basic common sense. I realized that not everyone will have the same journey I have, nor should they. However there are certain universal principles I have found that seem to be common in most happy, healthy gays. Principles or maybe better said, values that we shared. I began creating a list of what attracted me toward other men and women in my friendships. And I found that...
- They lived their lives with honesty and integrity as a cornerstone
- They practiced healthy boundaries, whether they know it or not
- They they respected committed relationships
- They took pride in their mental and physical health
- They worked on not giving in to addictive behavior

You could say that these values or principles are based on basic psychology. Or some may argue that they originate from a religion. At any rate, I’ve found that most gay people will confess to believing in these principles but have trouble executing them. And there’s a general lack of education about what these principles really mean. And I noted that these values aren’t complicated or even very original. They aren’t specific to any identity (race, age, creed, money status, religion, political affiliation, or sexual orientation, etc).  They apply to everyone. And best of all, they’re AVAILABLE to everyone.

The power seemed to be in their simplicity. Good values create good homes, wisdom in conflict, clear direction, peace, balance, self care, and civility. What if these values were the heart of home, a community, a city, or a nation? What would our world look like? Is it so unreasonable to think we as gay men could be honorable, respected members of society without living under the shame of our sexual preference?

Lightbulb moment.

And so at the end of 2010 I began formulating an answer to a great need I saw in the gay community. This idea festered, grew and morphed for several years while I began to take note and observe the challenges in my life, my friend’s lives, and in the community as a whole. In 2012 I decided to actually put a plan into motion. I began to take the idea more seriously and started capturing my thoughts into writing and talking with some of my friends about the idea. I started making efforts on how to go about doing this.

And so with the help of a few dear friends, Nicolai was born.

Nicolai’s highest purpose is to build community with like-minded people who share a few basic principles that guide their life, and want to be around other people that also do. That’s really all it is. It’s not necessarily a classroom, although we may learn from one another. It’s not necessarily a service organization, although we may reach out to the community in outreach. And it’s not necessarily a dating service, although singles may find someone at one of our socials. It’s basically an excuse for like-minded gay men and women to get together and build some sort of community, and see where it leads us.